《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 108 (262):再回首

And now I'm coming back to Gili Meno under notably different circumstances. Since I was last here, I've circled the world, settled my divorce, survived my final separation from David, erased all mood-altering medications from my system, learned to speak a new language, sat upon God's palm for a few unforgettable moments in India, studied at the feet of an Indone-sian medicine man and purchased a home for a family who sorely needed a place to live. I am happy and healthy and balanced. And, yes, I cannot help but notice that I am sailing to this pretty little tropical island with my Brazilian lover. Which is—I admit it!—an almost ludicrously fairy-tale ending to this story, like the page out of some housewife's dream. (Perhaps even a page out of my own dream, from years ago.) Yet what keeps me from dis-solving right now into a complete fairy-tale shimmer is this solid truth, a truth which has verit-ably built my bones over the last few years—I was not rescued by a prince; I was the adminis-trator of my own rescue.

My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well—the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.

I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here and wonder if it was me—I mean, this happy and balanced me, who is now dozing on the deck of this small Indonesian fishing boat—who pulled the other, younger, more confused and more struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time: "Yes—grow! Change! Evolve! Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholeness and maturity! I need you to grow into me!" And maybe it was this present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago over that young married sobbing girl on the bathroom floor, and maybe it was this me who whispered lovingly into that desperate girl's ear, "Go back to bed, Liz . . ." Knowing already that everything would be OK, that everything would eventually bring us together here. Right here, right to this moment. Where I was always waiting in peace and contentment, always waiting for her to arrive and join me.

如今，我在完全不同的情況下回到美儂島。打從上回來過這裏，我已周遊世界，搞定離婚，熬過與大衛的最後分手，把變換情緒的所有藥物從體內清除，學會一種新的語言，坐在神的手掌中度過難忘的印度歲月，在印尼藥師的腳邊學習，爲一個亟需新居的家庭買了房子。我是個快樂、健康、平衡的人。是的，我不得不留意到自己正和我的巴西情人搭船來到這座美麗的熱帶小島。我承認，這幾乎是荒誕的神話故事結尾，好比家庭主婦的夢境。（或許也是我多年前的夢境。）然而，使我免於在這充滿光輝的神話中消散而去的原因，肯定是這個斬釘截鐵的事實——拯救我的人並非王子，而是我自己操控我的拯救——正是我自己，在過去幾年間，阻止我倒下。

我想起自己讀過禪宗信徒的信仰。他們說，同時有兩種力量創造了橡樹。顯然，一切都始於一顆橡實，其包含所有的承諾與潛力，長大而成樹木。每個人都瞭解這點。但僅有一些人認識到，還有另一種力量在此運作——未來的樹本身，它渴望存在，於是拉扯橡實，將種子拔出來，希望脫離太虛，從虛無邁向圓熟。禪宗信徒說，就此而言，橡樹創造了自己所出自的橡實。

我思量自己近來蛻變而成的這個女子，思量現在的生活，思量自己一直多麼想成爲目前這種人、過目前這種生活，不再假扮成其他人，而不做我自己。我想起到達此地之前所承受的一切，懷疑是不是"我"——我是說，目前這個快樂平衡的我，此刻在這艘印尼小漁船甲板上打盹的這個人——拖着艱苦歲月裏的另一個較年輕、較迷惑、較掙扎的我邁向前方。較年輕的我，是充滿潛力的橡實，但是較年長的我，是已然存在的橡樹，始終在說："是的——長大吧！改變！進化！來這兒跟我碰面，我已完整、圓熟地存在！我需要你變成我！"或許四年前，就是目前這個充分發揮潛力的我，盤旋在蹲在浴室地板上啜泣的那位年輕已婚女子上方；或許就是這個我，在這名絕望的女子耳畔親切地低語："回牀上去，小莉……"老早知道一切都會沒事，一切終將使我們在此相聚，就在此地，此時。我始終平靜滿足地在此等候，始終等她前來加入我的陣容。