《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 97 (231):傾心愛慕

So I was kind of surprised the next night when—after he'd made me dinner at his house and after we'd sprawled on his couch for several hours and discussed all manner of subjects and after he'd unexpectedly leaned into me for a moment and sunk his face toward my armpit and pronounced how much he loved the marvelous dirty stink of me—Felipe finally put his palm against my cheek and said, "That's enough, darling. Come to my bed now," and I did.

Yes, I did come to his bed with him, in that bedroom with its big open windows looking out over the nighttime and the quiet Balinese rice fields. He parted the sheer, white curtain of mosquito netting that surrounded his bed and guided me in there. Then he helped me out of my dress with the tender competence of a man who had obviously spent many comfortable years getting his children ready for bathtime, and he explained to me his terms—that he wanted absolutely nothing from me whatsoever except permission to adore me for as long as I wanted him to. Were those terms acceptable to me?

Having lost my voice somewhere between the couch and the bed, I only nodded. There was nothing left to say. It had been a long, austere season of solitude. I had done well for myself. But Felipe was right—that was enough.

"OK," he replied, smiling as he moved some pillows out of our way and rolled my body under his. "Let's get ourselves organized here."

Which was actually pretty funny because that moment marked an end to all my efforts at organization.

Later, Felipe would tell me how he had seen me that night. He said that I seemed so young, not in the least bit resembling the self-assured woman he'd come to know in the daylight world. He said I seemed terribly young but also open and excited and relieved to be recognized and so tired of being brave. He said it was obvious I hadn't been touched in such a long time. He found me teeming with need but also grateful to be allowed to express that need. And while I can't say that I remember all that, I do take his word for it because he seemed to be paying awfully close attention to me.

What I mostly remember about that night is the billowy white mosquito netting that sur-rounded us. How it looked to me like a parachute. And how I felt like I was now deploying this parachute to escort me out the side exit of the solid, disciplined airplane which had been fly-ing me during these few years out of A Very Hard Time in My Life. But now my sturdy flying machine had become obsolete right there in midair, so I stepped out of that single-minded single-engine airplane and let this fluttering white parachute swing me down through the strange empty atmosphere between my past and my future, and land me safely on this small, bed-shaped island, inhabited only by this handsome shipwrecked Brazilian sailor, who (having been alone himself for far too long) was so happy and so surprised to see me coming that he suddenly forgot all his English and could only manage to repeat these five words every time he looked at my face: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful and beautiful. Eat, Pray, Love

因此，隔天晚上我有些訝異——他做晚飯招待我，我們癱在沙發上幾個小時談論各種話題，他出人意外地撲身把臉埋入我的腋窩，說多麼喜愛我奇妙的臭味，之後——斐利貝用手掌貼住我的臉頰，說："夠了，甜心。現在來我牀上吧。"我就跟他去了。

是的，我和他上了牀；那間臥室面向夜間寂靜的巴厘島稻田。他撥開牀架周圍透明的白色蚊帳，引導我入內。而後他以多年來慣於準備爲孩子們入浴的溫柔能力幫我脫去衣裳，並向我說明他的條件——他絕對不想剝奪我任何東西，除了容許他一直愛慕我，只要我願意。這些條件是否合我意？

從沙發到牀上的這段時間，我啞口無言，只是點頭。沒有什麼可說的了。我已度過一段漫長苦澀的時期。我爲自己做得很好。但是斐利貝沒說錯——夠了。

"好吧，"他回答，移開一些枕頭，把我的身體移到他底下，"我們讓自己組織起來吧。"

這其實很好笑，因爲那一刻終止了我企圖組織的一切努力。

後來斐利貝告訴我那天晚上他眼中的我。他說我看起來很年輕，絲毫不像他在白晝世界裏所認識的那個自信女人。他說我看起來年輕得很，卻又開放、興奮，因被認可而感到寬慰，厭倦於勇往直前。他說我顯然很久未被人碰過。他看見我充滿需求，卻又感激能表達這種需求。雖說我並非完全記得這些，但我卻相信他的話，因爲他似乎對我相當關心。

那一晚我最記得的是四周浪濤般的白色蚊帳，在我眼裏像是降落傘。我覺得這把降落傘護送我從側門跳出堅固的飛機；這架飛機過去幾年來載着我，飛離生命中的艱困時期。但是如今這架堅固的飛行器在半空中已用不着，於是我步出這架專用的單引擎飛機，讓這飄舞的白色降落傘載我穿越我的過去與未來之間的奇特空氣層，讓我安全降落在這座牀形小島，島上只住了這位帥氣的巴西遇難水手。我的出現讓他（本身也孤獨許久）又驚又喜，突然間忘了英語，只在每回看着我的臉時重複五個詞：美啊、美啊、美啊、美啊、美啊。