名著精讀:《悉達多》 婆羅門之子(5)

After an hour, since no sleep had come over his eyes, the Brahman stood up, paced to and fro, and left the house. Through the small window of the chamber he looked back inside, and there he saw Siddhartha standing, his arms folded, not moving from his spot. Pale shimmered his bright robe. With anxiety in his heart, the father returned to his bed.

After another hour, since no sleep had come over his eyes, the Brahman stood up again, paced to and fro, walked out of the house and saw that the moon had risen. Through the window of the chamber he looked back inside; there stood Siddhartha, not moving from his spot, his arms folded, moonlight reflecting from his bare shins. With worry in his heart, the father went back to bed.

And he came back after an hour, he came back after two hours, looked through the small window, saw Siddhartha standing, in the moon light, by the light of the stars, in the darkness. And he came back hour after hour, silently, he looked into the chamber, saw him standing in the same place, filled his heart with anger, filled his heart with unrest, filled his heart with anguish, filled it with sadness.

And in the night's last hour, before the day began, he returned, stepped into the room, saw the young man standing there, who seemed tall and like a stranger to him.

"Siddhartha," he spoke, "what are you waiting for?"

"You know what."

"Will you always stand that way and wait, until it'll becomes morning, noon, and evening?"

"I will stand and wait.

"You will become tired, Siddhartha."

"I will become tired."

"You will fall asleep, Siddhartha."

"I will not fall asleep."

"You will die, Siddhartha."

"I will die."

"And would you rather die, than obey your father?"

"Siddhartha has always obeyed his father."

"So will you abandon your plan?"

"Siddhartha will do what his father will tell him to do."

The first light of day shone into the room. The Brahman saw that Siddhartha was trembling softly in his knees. In Siddhartha's face he saw no trembling, his eyes were fixed on a distant spot. Then his father realized that even now Siddhartha no longer dwelt with him in his home, that he had already left him.

The Father touched Siddhartha's shoulder.

"You will," he spoke, "go into the forest and be a Samana. When you'll have found blissfulness in the forest, then come back and teach me to be blissful. If you'll find disappointment, then return and let us once again make offerings to the gods together. Go now and kiss your mother, tell her where you are going to. But for me it is time to go to the river and to perform the first ablution."

He took his hand from the shoulder of his son and went outside. Siddhartha wavered to the side, as he tried to walk. He put his limbs back under control, bowed to his father, and went to his mother to do as his father had said.

As he slowly left on stiff legs in the first light of day the still quiet town, a shadow rose near the last hut, who had crouched there, and joined the pilgrim--Govinda.

過了一個鐘頭，這個婆羅門睡不着便又爬起來，在房間裏踱來踱去，然後走出了房子。他透過小窗往屋裏瞅，看見席特哈爾塔仍站在那兒，交叉着雙臂，一動不動，淺色上衣映出了淡淡的光。父親心裏很不安地回到了他的牀上。

又過了一個鐘頭，這個婆羅門仍無睡意，便又爬起來，在房間裏踱來踱去，然後走到了房子前面，看見月亮已經升起。他透過小窗往屋裏瞅，看見席特哈爾塔仍站在那兒，一動不動，兩臂交叉，月光照亮了他的光光的小腿。父親又憂心忡忡地摸回到自己的牀鋪。

再過一個鐘頭，他又起來了一次;再過兩個鐘頭，他又重複了一遍。他透過小窗看見席特哈爾塔仍站在月光中，站在星光下，站在夜暗裏。一個又一個鐘頭過去了，他默默地往屋裏瞅，看見站立者依然一動不動。他心裏充滿了惱怒，充滿了不安，充滿了猶豫，充滿了痛苦。

在天亮之前的最後一小時裏，他折回來，走進了房間，看見年輕人仍站在那兒，覺得他忽然長大了，但是也好像陌生了。

“席特哈爾塔，”他說，“你還在等什麼?”

“你知道。”

“你就這麼一直站着，等到天亮，等天中午，等到晚上嗎?”

“是的，我就這麼站着等。”

“你會累的，席特哈爾塔。”

“是的，我會累。”

“你會睡着的，席特哈爾塔。”

“我不會睡着。”

“你會死的，席特哈爾塔。”

“是的，我會死。”

“你寧可死掉，也不聽父親的話麼?”

“席特哈爾塔總是聽父親的話。”

“那麼，你願意放棄自己的打算麼?”

“席特哈爾塔會按父親的吩咐去做。”

第一縷晨光照進了房間。婆羅門父親看到席的兩膝在微微顫抖。在席特哈爾塔的臉上見不到顫拌，他的眼睛注視着遠方。這時，父親意識到席特哈爾塔已不在自己身邊，不在家鄉，他已經離開了父親。

父親撫摩着席特哈爾塔的肩膀。

他說:“你要走進森林去當一個沙門了。如果你在森林裏找到了永恆的幸福，就回來教給我。如果你得到的只是失望，就回來重新跟我們一起敬奉神靈。去吧，去吻別你母親，告訴她你去哪兒。至於我，現在該是去河邊第一次沐浴的時候了。”

他從兒子的肩上抽回手，出去了。席特哈爾塔打算移動步子，可是身子朝旁邊晃了一下。他強迫自己向父親鞠躬，然後就去見母親，按照父親的吩咐去向她道別。

當他在晨曦中邁開麻木僵硬的雙腿，慢慢離開那依然寂靜的城市時，從城市一家茅屋旁閃出一個蹲在那兒的人影，加入了朝聖的行列——那是戈文達。