一位夫妻治療師表示:這兩種行爲是一段戀情的‘長處’

Fights with a partner tend to escalate in a way that fights with, say, a coworker don't necessarily.

與另一半爭吵往往會升級成像與不重要的同事爭吵。

"I'm exhausted," one person might say. "I worked all day." "You're exhausted?" the other person might respond. "I worked all day and then went to pick up two screaming kids!" And so on.

"我累了，"一個人可能說。"我工作一整天了。""你還累啊？"另一個人可能這樣問道。"我不僅工作一整天，下班後還去接那兩個吵吵鬧鬧的孩子！"等等。

Esther Perel has spent years watching this kind of dialogue unfold. She's a couples therapist and the author of the bestselling "Mating in Captivity" and the forthcoming "The State of Affairs."

多年來，埃斯特·佩雷爾聽慣了這類對話。她是位夫妻治療師，暢銷書Mating in Captivity的作者，即將出版The State of Affairs一書。

Perel has found two behaviours that can stop a conflict like this one from spiraling out of control -- behaviours that are so powerful she calls them the "saving grace" of any rocky relationship: showing empathy and taking responsibility.

佩雷爾發現有兩種行爲可以防止此類衝突失控--這些行爲十分強大，她將其稱爲任何一段曲折戀情的"長處"：感同身受和承擔責任。

When she visited the Business Insider office in September, Perel said, "There are not many things that are as important in a strained relationship as the ability to show empathy for the experience of the other; to acknowledge what the other person is going through; to validate that the other person is going through this, that it makes sense that they would be feeling this way."

當她9月去Business Insider雜誌辦公室時，佩雷爾說道，"在一段關係緊張的戀情中，很少有和下面這些行爲一樣重要的事情了：感同身受另一人的經歷、認可他們目前的遭遇、告訴他/她其他人也和她/他一樣，告訴他們有這樣的感受是正常的。"

Unfortunately, this doesn't happen often enough. Here's an example. Perel recently came out with an audio series, titled "Where Should We Begin?" in which listeners follow along as Perel counsels a struggling couple. In the first episode, a husband and wife are dealing with the discovery of the husband's infidelity.

不幸的是，這種情況並不多見。下面就是個例子。最近，佩雷爾提出了一個名爲"我們應從何處開始？"的音頻系列，在這一系列中，觀衆聽着佩雷爾給一對苦苦掙扎的夫妻做諮詢。在第一集中，夫妻兩人處理的問題是丈夫不忠。

At one point, the wife says that after her husband betrayed her, she asked herself, "What was all that hard work for?" The husband responds quickly: "I mean, I understand how you feel because I felt the same way."

有一次，妻子說道，在丈夫背叛她之後，她問自己，"所有的辛苦都是爲了什麼？"丈夫很快回道："我理解你，因爲我和你的感受一樣。"

Perel interjects here and tells the husband to avoid the impulse to "equalise" his experience and his wife's. Instead, she advises him to "reflect back" using the words, "So what I'm hearing you say is…"

佩雷爾插了句話，告訴丈夫應該避免將他的經歷與妻子的經歷視作"平等"的衝動。她建議他在用詞時"回憶過去"，"我聽到你說的是……"

Recent research supports the idea that empathy and understanding are key to navigating conflict successfully in a relationship. In one study, people who talked about a time when they'd clashed with their partner but felt understood were more satisfied with their relationships than people who talked about a time when they clashed but didn't feel understood.

最新研究支持了感同身受和理解是成功化解戀情衝突的關鍵。在一項研究中，受試者談論到，相比與另一半發生衝突卻不被理解時，當他們與另一半發生衝突卻被理解時，他們會更滿意自己的戀情。