在性關係中,說出“同意”遠遠不夠

When adults talk to young people about sex, the standard speech includes the warning that they must obtain consent before stepping up intimacy to the next level. Here’s the problem: guidance that centers on the term “consent” suggests that a legal standard for permissible sexual interactions is also a decent or desirable one.

當成年人向年輕人談論性時，常規的說辭包括警告他們必須在進入下一步親密關係之前獲得“同意”。問題就在這裏：將重點放在“同意”上的指導意味着，可以被允許的性互動的法律標準，同樣也是一個得體的，或者令人滿意的標準。

Which it isn’t.

但並非如此。

So long as discussions of consent crowd out discussions of basic interpersonal sensitivity, we should not be surprised by reports of young men who (more often than the other way round) badger young women for sexual favors. It may be legal to wear someone down, but doing so is not the basis for healthy relationships between any two people, be they of the opposite or same sex.

只要對“同意”的討論過多，導致對基本的人際感性的討論沒有容身之地，我們就不應該對年輕男子爲了獲得性好處而糾纏年輕女性的報道感到驚訝（這類事通常是男對女，而不是反過來）。鍥而不捨征服某人可能是合法的，但這麼做並非兩個人健康關係的基礎，無論是同性還是異性之間。

According to Emily Lauster, a 22-year-old recent graduate of George Washington University who now works in adolescent mental health, “You hear stories all the time of the girl not really being into it, or telling the guy she’s tired and the guy not giving her space. Maybe he’ll keep trying to initiate something physically, or take a few minutes to talk about something else before bringing it up again.”

根據22歲的艾米麗·勞斯特(Emily Lauster)所說，“你總是能聽到女孩不是很感興趣，或者告訴男生她累了，而男生卻不給她空間的故事。可能他會繼續嘗試開始肢體上的接觸，或者花幾分鐘說點別的，然後又提起這件事”。勞斯特近期從喬治·華盛頓大學(George Washington University)畢業，目前從事青少年心理健康方面的工作。

And so long as we normalize mere consent as an acceptable standard for sexual engagement, it will remain commonplace for young women (and sometimes, young men) to harbor feelings of confusion and regret after participating in sexual activity for which they technically gave consent, but only when pressured.

而且，只要我們將僅僅是“同意”這一點作爲性接觸方面可以接受的標準，將其正常化，那麼對年輕女人（有時也包括男人）來說，就免不了會在進行了理論上有“同意”卻往往是迫於壓力的性活動後，心裏懷着困惑和遺憾的感受了。

Joe Berusch, a 19-year-old from Shaker Heights, Ohio, and a rising sophomore at the University of Chicago, said that in talking with friends about a recent New York Times article regarding sex and consent on campus, he was surprised to learn that several of his female friends “had repeated experiences of being asked over and over again.” He added that he didn’t want to think that women would sometimes “cave because it just made things easier. But I know it does happen.”

19歲的喬·伯奇(Joe Berusch)來自俄亥俄州莎克漢斯，是芝加哥大學(University of Chicago)即將升入大二的學生，他說自己在與朋友探討《紐約時報》近期一篇關於校園性行爲和“同意”的文章時，他得知自己的幾位女性朋友“曾有過多次遭到反覆要求的經歷”，這讓他感到很驚訝。他還說他不願去想女性有時候“會屈服，因爲這會讓事情變得簡單點兒。但我知道這種事確實會發生。”

Sexual encounters ought to be pleasurable, mutual endeavors. They should advance as partners earnestly and happily agree, not because one party merely grants permission to the other. Too often, our advice to young people trains their attention on consent, the lowest possible bar for lawful sexual activity. We routinely spell out precisely what does, and doesn’t, constitute acquiescence but say little or nothing about tuning in to the desires of one’s partner. To put a very fine point on it, we essentially communicate, “When it comes to your sex life, don’t assault or rape anyone.”

性關係應該是令人愉悅、經過雙方許可的行爲，應該隨着雙方熱切、開心地同意後向前推進，而不是僅僅因爲其中一方給了另一方許可。我們太常建議年輕人訓練自己關注“同意”，而這只是合法發生性行爲的最低標準。我們定期會明確說明什麼構成、什麼不構成默許，卻不怎麼講、或者根本不講關於順從伴侶慾望的情況。要反覆討論這一點的話，基本上我們溝通的內容是，“在性生活方面，不要侵犯或強姦任何人。”

Donnovan Somera Yisrael, an emotional and sexual health educator at Stanford University, suggests that we should expand the discussions of consent to include conversations about “how you detect desire in your partner and verify that desire with consent.”

斯坦福大學(Stanford University)情感、性健康教育工作者唐諾文·索梅拉·以瑟列(Donnovan Somera Yisrael)建議，我們應當擴大對“同意”的討論，將“如何感知你的伴侶的慾望，用同意證實它”這一問題納入其中。

What if we reserved the term consent for its more appropriate uses, such as in the courtroom or when submitting to a medical procedure? And what if, in the place of consent, we advised young people to check for nothing less than enthusiastic agreement from their sexual partners? We could add, “I get it that healthy sex can include some uncertainty. Feeling apprehensive yet eager is all right. But if you or your partner feels apprehensive and merely willing, that’s a no go.”

如果我們把“同意”這個詞留在更合適的場合使用，例如在法庭或在走醫療程序的時候？而且，如果在同意的情況下，我們建議年輕人看看他們的性伴侶有沒有給出完全熱情的同意？我們還可以補充說，“我明白健康的性會包括一些不確定性。感到不安的同時卻很急切是可以的。但如果你，或者你的伴侶感到不安卻不怎麼願意，那就是不可以。”

When drinking is involved, even enthusiastic agreement might be too low a bar for consent, but it’s still an improvement upon the standard we hold now.

當其中涉及飲酒，即使是熱情的同意對“同意”來說也標準也可能太低，但對於我們現在的標準來說，仍是一個進步。

We can continue to raise consent as an issue, but let’s not suggest that healthy romantic activity typically involves situations when consent might be unclear. Instead, we could say, “If you’re unsure about whether you have a green light in the bedroom, you may or may not have a legal concern. But you definitely have a relational one. You should not feel comfortable proceeding if your partner says no more than ‘O.K. … fine,’ to something you suggest.”

我們可以繼續把“同意”作爲一個問題提出來，但我們可別暗示，正常的浪漫行爲往往會涉及“同意”不見得很明確的情形。相反，我們可以說，“如果你無法確定自己在臥室裏是否得到了許可，你可能有、可能沒有法律上的顧慮。你一定會有相關的顧慮。如果你的伴侶只是說‘OK ……好吧’，你就不應該坦然地繼續做你所建議的事情。”

“An effective lesson on consent,” said Nicole Cushman, executive director of Answer, an organization in the United States that promotes sex education for youth, “is not just about providing a legal definition and a script that young people need to follow.” In Ms. Cushman’s experience, teaching about consent should address “communication skills, decision making and respect for personal boundaries.”

“一個關於同意的有效教訓，”美國推廣青少年性教育的機構“回答”(Answer)的總幹事妮可·庫什曼(Nicole Cushman)說，“不只是向年輕人提供法律定義和劇本。”根據庫什曼的經驗，教授“同意”應該涉及“溝通技巧、決策和尊重個人邊界”。

Our surprising comfort with the term consent grows out of a reluctance to acknowledge that women have libidos, too. Only if we ignore female desire can we go along with the troublesome premise that, in heteRosexual interactions, men will play offense and women will play defense.

我們對“同意”這個術語出奇地放心，源於我們不願意承認女性也有性慾。只有忽視了女性的慾望，我們才能贊同這樣一個棘手前提，即在異性間的交往中，男性是進攻角色，女性是防禦角色。

“You can consent to having sex, but is that all we should expect from our sexual experiences?” asked Anna Rosenfeld, 23, a recent graduate of the University of Pennsylvania and a former peer educator for Planned Parenthood. “As women, we should be taught to expect pleasure and reciprocation — that is a higher bar than what we are necessarily taught to think about.”

“你可以同意發生性行爲，但這就是我們從性經驗中應該期待的全部嗎？”23歲的安娜·羅森菲爾德(Anna Rosenfeld)問道；她最近剛從賓夕法尼亞大學畢業，之前曾在計劃生育聯合會(Planned Parenthood)任同伴教育者。“作爲女性，我們應該被教導去期待快樂和回報——這高於目前必定教給我們去思考的那些東西。”

To remind young people that sex is about shared enjoyment, we might say to both our daughters and our sons, “Know what you want and learn what your partner wants. Good sex happens where those two agendas meet.”

爲了提醒年輕人性是雙方共有的一種享受，我們對自己的兒女都可以說這樣的話：“知道你自己想要什麼，並且瞭解你的伴侶想要什麼。當兩個議程有了交集，纔會有美好的性。”

Of course as parents, we often feel reluctant to communicate with our children about their emerging sexual lives. Or we may be so busy warning kids about the potential downsides of sex that we forget to let them know that it also has the potential for intimacy and joy.

當然，作爲父母，我們往往不願意和子女談論他們即將到來的性生活。或者，我們只顧提醒他們性行爲可能存在的負面影響，而忘了讓他們知道，性也有可能帶來親密和快樂。

“The hookup culture has reinforced the lack of respect,” Ms. Lauster said. “It suggests that you’re not supposed to think of the person in terms of a relationship — you don’t necessarily have to respect the person you’re hooking up with. And I think that goes both ways — that girls don’t necessarily respect the guys they’re hooking up with.”

“勾搭文化強化了尊重的缺乏，”勞斯特說。“它意味着，你不用從一段感情關係的角度來考慮對方——你不一定要尊重那個你勾搭的對象。而且我認爲這是雙向的——女孩也不一定尊重勾搭她們的男性。”

Given that most young people are considerate of their friends, adults giving advice could say, “What goes for your friendships goes the same for your romances: You should be kind and caring toward anyone you’re with and expect the same in return.”

考慮到絕大多數年輕人都很看重朋友間的友誼，給予建議的成年人可以這樣說：“愛情跟友情一樣，你應該善待、關心跟你在一起的人，並且期待得到同樣的回報。”